Being a new parent is full of new experiences, not only for your child, but for you, too! One of the most fun experiences our children can have are play dates with other children. Maybe they clicked with someone in their child care setting or on the playground? Or maybe you made friends with another parent of a similar-aged child at work or an event?

No matter how the children meet, you are likely to experience them wanting to spend more time together. For many of us, this seemingly simple experience actually feels big! It leads to questions about managing expectations, keeping everyone happy, and (hopefully!) making plans for another play date in the future. Here we share common questions and answers from local experts to help pave your way to play date perfection!

What to Expect on a Play Date

Question: I love getting together with fellow moms and dads for play dates, but sometimes I’m not sure what to expect. Everyone seems to have their own idea of what is acceptable. I don’t want to be overprotective or judge other parenting styles, but have my own rules, too. What’s normal, so I can then decide when it’s time to speak up?

Experts: Dr. Tina Paone, a mother of three, leads the team at Paone Counseling & Consulting in Montgomeryville, which provides full-service counseling services. She is a National Certified Counselor, National Certified School Counselor, Approved Clinical Supervisor, Licensed Professional Counselor, Registered Play Therapist Supervisor, and a certified School Counselor for K–12 in Pennsylvania. She also serves as professor at Monmouth University.

Lisa Corcoran, a mother of nine children, teaches a parenting class online through her website, Parenting Playbook. Her methods and strategies are rooted in Adlerian theory to help parents understand the root cause of misbehavior. Using this method parents learn how to build connection and foster cooperation with their children.

Answer: Play dates today aren’t as cut and dried as they were when it was as simple as knocking on a neighbor’s door and kicking a ball around until dinnertime. The most important thing to remember is that parents almost always know what is best for their own child. Nevertheless, being open and honest with one another as parents is the best way to ensure playdates go smoothly. With that said, here are some tips and guidelines to navigate the world of our young social butterflies.

Babies & Toddlers

For the most part, play dates prior to preschool are really intended for moms, dads, or caregivers more than babies or toddlers. However, that’s not to say they’re not important. At this age, children participate in parallel play as opposed to playing with one another. This gives parents a chance to have some adult contact with other people who understand what they are going through.

Stay or go? Parents should always plan to stay with their child if invited for a get-together, unless the inviting parent explicitly says it is a drop off date. Another option is to arrange a play date swap. In this scenario, one parent hosts the littles while the other parent has a chance to go out for errands, an appointment, a manicure, etc. Then they switch off for the next time! A win for everyone.

Time Frame? Whatever’s decided between the organizing adults; always best if planned around naptime.

Snack? Parents should plan to bring a snack for their child that they know their little one likes. Your host may serve something that you can offer your baby/toddler, as well. As an allergy mom, Veronika Paluch notes her appreciation for parents who ask about food allergies before hosting —  “Even the smallest bit of an allergen (like a sticky peanut butter covered hand on a toy block!) can be really dangerous for a young child with food allergies”.

Preschool and Kindergarten Play Dates

It’s funny (and might catch you off guard) when a friend of your preschooler/kindergartner asks, “Can I come over?” Usually children this age have not mastered social decorum, and this is how they express that they would like to get together. It is parents’ responsibility to guide children through this and explain how invitations work. Some children may not be familiar with the idea of socializing at a friend’s house. They are typically more aware of play dates if they have older siblings. At this age, it may be helpful for children to play alone to get to know one another while parents are hanging out in the next room.

Stay or go? At this age, it’s most appropriate for mom or dad to stay at the house with their child. Many kids are still potty training, or may not be used to being in an unfamiliar place without a parent. It is wise to confirm or establish parental invites prior to the start of the play date to avoid any awkward situations. If you have older kids, you may be more comfortable dropping your child off for play dates, but the host may not be familiar with this. Speaking of siblings, it’s also important to determine in advance if they are included in that invitation. 

Time Frame? 1.5 to 2 hours

Snack? It’s smart to discuss this with your guest’s parent prior to the play date, e.g., “I am going to have cheese crackers for a snack. Is that OK for your child?” With so many allergies and specialized diets, it’s best to know ahead of time.

Elementary School Play Dates

A lot of important developmental milestones take place during the elementary school years. Your child will meet peers they want to socialize with outside of school. Children at this age will often begin to get friends’ phone numbers independent of their parents and may make plans on their own. It’s important to make sure all parents are informed of plans, even if their child says they’re aware.

A Note About Discipline

Don’t hesitate to ask questions about things like discipline, either. You might say something like, “I’m comfortable with you disciplining my children if you see something. What is your position on that?” Parenting styles differ, so the more open you can be the better.

Stay or go? During the early elementary years, it may or may not be appropriate for a parent to stay. Therefore, it’s very important to address this up front with a simple, “Would you like me to stay, or just drop off?” After the fourth grade, it is safe to assume that an invitation means it’s just for your child and you do not need to stay during playtime.

Time Frame? Play dates at this age (especially from the fourth through sixth grades) can be anywhere from two to 18 hours with sleepovers. Regarding check-ins: You know your child and their responsibility level. You can ask your child to check in if they have a cellphone, or ask the other parent to check in with you at a convenient time.

Snack? Parents should notify other parents if a child has an allergy, however in terms of what they eat, you need to relinquish control when your child is not with you. If it is not going to cause your child pain or sickness, you need to be OK with what your child’s host serves.

Pet allergies? Parents need to be up front about any allergies to pets, as long as it’s a true allergy (and not a preference that your child doesn’t play with Fido).

Middle and High School Hang Outs

In middle and high school, use the words “play date” and you can expect an eye roll from your pre-teens and teenagers. This age group thinks of their play dates as a “hang out.” What’s more they most likely scheduled their plans with little to no parental involvement. The majority of adolescents have cellphones and the ability to communicate with one another whenever they please. The advantage here is that you and your child can agree on how and when they should check in with you when they are socializing with friends. That may mean answering all of your calls or checking in at a certain time.

At this age, children are ready to assume more responsibility, and you ultimately need to trust that you have instilled values and raised them right. As our children grow, the empowerment of independence is very important and the duties of a parent must shift. However, if your child is going to the home of a new friend, it’s absolutely appropriate to call the parents. This way you ensure they know your child is coming and you establish a connection with them.

Time Frame? At this age, your child may be with friends for a few hours to a week (i.e., time at the shore or a weekend in the Poconos). If it’s anything longer than a sleepover, a call to the supervising parent is appropriate. Thank them and see if there’s anything you should know or send with your child.

Snack/Meals? Your child should be aware and able to monitor any food allergies on their own. Ensure they are bringing money with them to cover any snacks or meals they might be purchasing.

The Wild World of Sleepovers

When it comes to readiness for sleepovers, there isn’t a “right age” that applies to every child. A lot of this depends upon your child’s life experiences. In the third grade, kids might be excited for their first sleepover and seem ready, but may not be emotionally prepared. The best way to learn if your child is ready for a sleepover is to let them go and see what happens. Your child might have a blast, or be fine all evening until it’s time for bed — and then start crying and want to come home. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to be supportive: go get them and not make a big deal about the pick-up. Let them know that you are there for them and that they can try a sleepover again another time.

For children new to sleepovers, or who want to have one but seem anxious about it, suggest a sleep-under instead! The kids get together for the same activities as a sleepover, minus the sleeping! Let them stay late, wear their pjs, watch a movie in a sleeping bag, and then go home.

Tips:

If your child wants to have a sleepover with a friend whose parents you do not know, suggest a play date first. This way, you can meet the child and his/her parents.

If your child called you to come home in the middle of the night, wait two to three months before trying again. The behavior is not going to change overnight, so give it a little time, then try again.

If you are the supervising parent and the visiting child seems sad or off, ask if they are OK and if they need anything. If they say they are OK, you need to take their word for it (you do not know them as well as your own child).

Vacations and Day Trips

If your child is invited on a vacation or day trip with a friend’s family, it’s always a good idea to call the hosting parents to work out the details. Ask what your child will be doing and what an appropriate amount of money would be to send with your child. If this is an overnight, you can either give the cash to your child or to the hosts — you know your child’s responsibility level. For a long weekend or more, it might be wise to give the money to the hosting parent(s). However, it’s always smart to make sure your child has a few dollars in their own pocket, as well.

Photograph courtesy of Ann Marie Detavernier.

FInd new places to play in the The Main Line Outdoor Family Fun Guide — your go-to list of playgrounds, amusement parks, and other fun spots that are close to home and family friendly!